This is a care guide for people who are still protected by some form of privilege, and who have immigrant and diasporic friends, partners, colleagues, employees, neighbors, etc. who are cut off from their home and support systems, and who are forced to navigate normality while being torn apart on the inside.
Experiencing war and disaster while in the diaspora is isolating, distressing and harrowing. Watching horror unfold back home while people around you fall into silence without extending actual care is also traumatic.
Care is deeply political. We know this because care can be commodified, weaponized and withdrawn as a form of punishment. If care is political, then choosing not to care is also political.
This is a care guide to make sure you don’t cause more harm.
DON’T: Ask why their family, friends and loved ones are not leaving the country, or if they’re planning to leave. By asking this you are projecting your own privilege (socio-economical, political, etc.) Not everyone has the privilege of moving across borders or to start a new life.
You are also projecting your Western norms of self-preservation over the collective values of many cultures who view steadfastness as part of resistance.
DO: Ask what you can do to help them support their loved ones. Listen and then offer help where you can using your networks, resources and privileges.
This is an exercise in humility and cultural exchange.
DON’T: Focus on the silver lining, or say things like ‘It’s good that you’re here.” Whether it’s toxic positivity, a way to fill uncomfortable silence, or your own inability to make sense of the situation, when someone is in shock, grief, or distress (and possibly experiencing survivor’s guilt), the worst thing you can do is tell them to focus on the positives or to be grateful for having something their loved ones don’t.
You are once again projecting your individualistic conditioning that prioritizes self-preservation over belonging and collective experiences.
DO: Make space for their reality. This means listening without interrupting, not offering solutions while the person is trying to express themselves, and remaining uncomfortable by feeling powerless in the face of their grief and distress.
This is not about you. You can process your own feelings in a different setting.
DON’T: Ask them to do your homework for you. Charging someone who’s going through emotional distress for political information is selfish. People coming from areas of political violence do not owe you information, explanations or education.
But, as a fellow human being, you do owe them care, compassion and empathy.
DO: Educate yourself on the matter, but don’t let it stand in the way of care. There are infinite resources and a lot of them are free. If you’re not sure where or how to start, ask someone who is not directly impacted.
Your care shouln’t depend on how much you understand the matter at hand, or how well-informed on politics you are. Care is not rational, it’s relational.
DON’T: Prioritize your discomfort over their distress. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to check in on someone who’s going through something you can’t even imagine. But, your emotional discomfort is not the same as their emotional and psychological stress.
Your silence and avoidance is a loud proclamation that your privilege is prioritized.
DO: Reach out, check in, offer help, and ask what they need. It’s our collective duty to check on people who don’t have your same safety nets, security or social resources.
Communities that selectively extend the privilege of safety, security and resources to some and not others is a form of violance.
DON’T: Exclude them from the decision making process. Some cultures view food as care, others acts of service. Don’t make assumptions.
Tune into the cultural practices and needs of those grieving.
DO: Ask them how you can take care of them. Care is deeply personal and can be culturally-based. Our cognitive abilities suffer greatly under stress, sometimes care is helping someone with the practicalities of day to day life.
Initiating a conversation with curiosity is a form of care.
DON’T: Turn the interaction into a political debate. For you, this is politics - news digested at your own pace, on your own time. For them, this is their life. This is their nervious system, their family, their heritage, their land, their fate.
You cannot expect someone who is in deep dispair to abandon their emotional experience and provide you with an intellectually stimulating experience.
DO: Decenter yourself and your worldviews. If your culture has socialized you to view ‘rationality’ as the highest form of relating, then take this as an opportunity to learn how other cultures relate.
Do not force your reality on others. Instead, allow their reality to challenge yours. Allow their experence to shed a light on your privilege.